There are certain decisions we make that, upon hindsight, could turn into regrets in life. My decision to pursue a Master’s degree in counselling, personally, was one major regret in life, not because of the field, but because of where I decided to pursue it — just as an example
But there are also certain decisions we make that, upon hindsight, were positive turning points that improve our lives by leaps and bounds. My decision to pursue neuro-linguistic programming (NLP) is one of these turning points, though ironically, I have counselling to “thank” for that.
I have always been interested in psychology as a field of study.
How could I not be, as both an avid reader and (at least back then) a passionate writer? I grew up with Sherlock Holmes, Hercule Poirot, Auguste Dupin, and Miss Marple, reveling in how they crack crimes and explain the motivations behind the crimes. I wrote stories where I dived deep into characters’ pasts, experiences and upbringing to justify their viewpoints and actions.
I remember feeling very disappointed when I learned that psychology was not an elective I could take during high school, which made me choose sociology instead. But sociology, the study of societies, did not give me the joy that studying individuals, through psychology, could give me. I set out on a search to find a way to pursue the field.
A few months after graduating high school, I enrolled into Longley Park Sixth Form College and took psychology as one of my four A-level subjects. At first I was eager, having been interested in the field for so long, but I realised pretty quickly that I was not interested in psychology in an academic, traditional sense. Being introduced to Sigmund Freud during my first class was probably my biggest downfall in college. I found it to be too theoretical, too diagnostic. The field was too black and white for me, too full of assumptions.
I ended up submitting an application to change the subject to Law, which I ended up loving until I had to leave college to return to Malaysia. But I was, personally, deeply dissatisfied.
Psychology, to me, was a language I could not decipher, but really wanted to know about. I shelved my interest for several years, always knowing that I would someday find my way back to it, as I pursued a Foundation in Law, then a Bachelor’s Degree in Applied Language Studies.
Two years after graduating my bachelor’s degree, working in one of the best companies in Malaysia, I found myself often talking to a senior in my department, Ling. Well learned, very knowledgeable, and highly enthusiastic, he would share with me numerous video recordings from his personal library. He had everything. From public speaking to strategic planning, to subjects related to the sciences. I even remember finishing a course on astronomy from his collection, which I would watch on my PSP whenever I would commute to work via KTM.
It was inevitable that, one day, I would approach him with a request. I wanted to study psychology, I said. I shared about my previous struggle, my gripe with Western practices and interpretations. I asked him whether he had any resources on the subject, and whether he would be open to sharing it with me.
Ever the enthusiastic educator, Ling shared with me several video courses, but he also said I should look into NLP.
What is NLP, I asked him.
It is neuro-linguistic programming, he said to me, introducing me to a term that would forever change my life. It is the study of how linguistics could program the neuro (brain). Hence, neuro-linguistic programming.
It’s the perfect course to bridge the study of communication and psychology, he said. Less on psychological theories, more to application of knowledge in daily life. I was intrigued, and hooked on to the idea. The more I read about it, the more I knew I wanted to pursue it. And so I did, several months later, when I signed up for the first course: the Licensed Practitioner of Neuro-Linguistic Programming, under NaviGO NLP Centre.
When I enrolled into the NLP Prac, I had already started my two-year counselling Masters by coursework. I was taught, from the very first day, that the most important skill counsellors need to have is empathy. However, I remember really, really disliking the exercise of empathy in counselling — at least the way I was taught.
In my counselling Master’s degree, I learned how to rephrase what clients say, to indicate that I understood, that I was listening.
I was told to verbalize what I knew they must be feeling.
I was told to reflect on what they say, to really put myself in the clients’ shoes and show them that they are heard.
These were good ways to demonstrate empathy, I was taught. But, to be quite honest, I also found it to be extremely performative, and mechanical to an extent. A critical voice at the back of my mind wondered how I could personally even function as a counsellor if I were to put myself in all my clients’ shoes. How mentally and emotionally exhausting that must be, day in and day out. Many times during our class roleplays, I found myself at a loss, unable to move forward as I was too deep in my emotional empathy towards what the client was facing.
On the first day of my NLP class, my trainer, Carsten, explained why emotional empathy does not always work in traditional counselling. It was like he had thrown me a lifeline, when I didn’t even know I had needed it.
Emotional empathy, he taught me, puts us in an emotional lock. It keeps us, and the client, locked in a negative state, which does not help the situation. The more we rephrase their words, reflect, and verbalize their emotions, the more we begin to experience the emotions ourselves. That can quickly put us in a state where we also feel helpless.
The NLP practitioner, he said, should be the grounded one. The one analysing the situation cognitively, not emotionally, to both understand what is happening and also why it is happening based on how the client processes and understands the situation. It’s a cognitive type of empathy, not an emotional one.
Cognitively, we can use NLP to process what is happening in their minds, and understand them without needing to go into the emotional exploration of how they are feeling. Once we are able to do that, then we can use the other counselling techniques to help them.
And just like that, it’s as if he gave me a Rosetta stone to all the questions I ever had on communication and interpersonal relationships.
The Rosetta stone, discovered in 1799, is a broken granodiorite stele that is inscribed with a royal decree issued in 196 BC on behalf of King Ptolemy V Epiphanes. What makes it extremely valuable, however, is that it is written in hieroglyphics, demotic script, and Ancient Greek. This allows us to effectively translate hieroglyphs into Ancient Greek and understand them in today’s world. In linguistics, we often call something a Rosetta stone to describe any key, concept, clue, or baseline that allows us to translate something else.
In my case, NLP is my Rosetta stone, that helped me translate both psychology/counselling and communication.
Even before I started my NLP journey, I had already I personally really liked cognitive behavioral therapy as opposed to other counselling techniques. I am a strong believer that CBT goes extremely well with NLP techniques. Both CBT and NLP explore the cognitive-behaviour link. Both are solution-focused. Both use language and conscious reframing to challenge unhelpful thinking. They are perfect complements, and NLP, my Rosetta stone, helped translate CBT into practice through communication.
Of course, NLP is not only for counselling. In fact, I am not a licensed counsellor myself, as I refused to register myself as one after completing my Master’s. Many times, people would contact me to ask whether they should invest into learning NLP, and what benefits I have personally gained from it. They asked whether I use NLP at work, or at home, or under what “hat” it is most useful.
It is difficult for me to convey that I use NLP consciously in…everything. Every communication, every relationship, every hat that I wear.
It is even more difficult for me to say, exactly, what “tangible” benefits I have gained from NLP. I cannot say, for example, that I finished my PhD or ever got a promotion or became famous for having NLP. What I can say, however, are these:
- NLP helped me become a better educator and parent. I understand when I should use “towards” strategies (like motivating my children with rewards) and when to use “away from” strategies (like warning my students of potential failure if they do not do something).
- NLP helped me change some of my internal strategies. Before this, I would often take a long time to make big decisions. I would consult with too many people, get too many opinions, and get stuck. Now, I know to find only one or two people, whose perspectives I highly value, and make my decision based on their advice. I can identify whether I respond more to visual or auditory or kinesthetic cues, and how these influence my (and others’) decision making.
- While psychology introduced me to the concept of classical conditioning through the research of Ivan Pavlov, NLP taught me how to put it to practice through the concept of anchoring. How we can use certain phrases, colours, gestures, and other verbal or nonverbal communication practices to establish anchors for ourselves and others.
- NLP helped me become a better planner, and how to communicate plans to others, through timeline therapy practices. I can communicate any plan, whether to people who like to see the big picture, or to those whose mental model could only focus on something two or three steps ahead.
- Mirroring and matching, on many, many, many occasions, has helped me establish trust and rapport, which have significantly improved my interpersonal relationship with others.
So you see, NLP is not just one thing for one purpose.
NLP is one of my Rosetta stones in life, that helps translate both psychology and communication into its own actionable practice. And while I no longer practice counselling actively, nor do I hold a valid license as a counsellor, I am a better coach because of NLP. It has helped me to move away from performative, emotional empathy, towards a more cognitive and active way of trying to understand others and help them work through solutions that match their own mental models.
Since obtaining the Licensed Practitioner of NLP certificate in 2015, I have also acquired both the Licensed Master Practitioner of NLP, and NLP Coach certificates. The only next logical step is to become a Master Trainer, but I cannot afford that yet, though it is in my dream bucket list. Who knows, maybe someday I can be a trainer on NLP. For now, however, I shall continue to use it daily, along with other counselling and linguistic (rhetoric) knowledge, no matter where I go or what I do.
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