At 2.57pm, only 33 minutes ago, I had finally submitted my thesis corrections to my examiner, after obtaining a PASS WITH MINOR CORRECTIONS for my PhD viva only 42 days ago.
I know. It sounds amazing, right? But let me take you back to the beginning of this story – of my PhD story.
Let me tell you the story, not of chocolates and roses, but of thorns, smashed potatoes (IYKYK), blood, sweat, and tears, tears, and TEARS.
This story is not for the weak of heart. But if you enjoy reading about other people’s misery (they have a word for that, you know, “schadenfreude” ), then read on. I am here to gladly share my story for you to laugh at, and cry with.
The date was September 11th, 2019.
At the tender age of 27 years old, fearless and foolish, I decided to enroll into a PhD programme at my university. Let me be clear – this was a very, very bad idea.
Before I go into the story, perhaps a bit of background is needed. We all need some context setting here, why it was such a bad idea for me to register as a PhD student in the first place. So let me get that out of the way first, because these things will be pretty important to the story later on.
REASONS WHY MAI SHOULD NOT HAVE REGISTERED FOR PHD SO EARLY
#1 – I began my career in the industry, not in academia. In fact, my career began in a major oil and gas sector, no less. And from there, I went and did stints everywhere. Telesales, retail, marketing, primary school, high school, copywriter, even went on to register my own SSM-registered company. Academia was not my cup of tea, and I only joined as a lecturer in March 2019 – barely eight months before registering for a PhD. I had no idea what I was getting into.
#2 – My Master’s was by coursework. Not only that, it was in a field completely unrelated to either my degree, or my PhD. See, my degree was in English for professional communication. So was my PhD. My Master’s? It was in counselling. In family counselling, no less. I spent two years learning the ins and outs of marital therapy, child and adolescent therapy, psychopathology (this would become useful later heh), gerontology, family counselling, you name it. Being a master’s by coursework, I hardly learned anything related to research. Like, research methods, wat dat? I was sorely unprepared, but wholly overconfident in my abilities. A terrible combination, truly.
#3 – I could only apply for study leave from my current university after serving for at least three years, and I had barely served eight months of that. So in all likelihood, I wouldn’t be able to apply for study leave. Did I know that? Yes. So why did I still register when I did? Well, it was suggested to me (note my use of passive voice) that there may be opportunities for me to still get study leave during the duration of my PhD, were I to fulfill certain requirements and be given certain special “leeways”. Now I was from the oil and gas industry. My boss, for better or worse, taught me to always do first, think and repair later. And for most of my life, jumping with both feet has either worked, or it hasn’t. So when I hear the word “leeway” or “loophole”, my instinct is to always, always, try to aim for that. The ends would justify the means, for me. Spoiler alert: this did not end up working for me.
There, I give you those three reasons why I should not have registered as soon as I did, but of course, these realisations came later, once life began to throw me bricks of lemons, time and again.
So if you really want an answer why I decided to register, I cannot give you one. I wish I could, but I can’t. Maybe it’s because I am impulsive. Or compulsive. Take your pick, whichever of the two, they both would probably apply to me. I was in the mood to apply for a PhD, I had always known that were I to pursue academia, I would do it, so I decided, when else? YOLO and all that.
My coach (who you’ll be introduced to later when we go further into this story) would probably be clapping here, at my admission of guilt. Like the good coachee I am, I am admitting my guilt in all this. It was me, all me. I, in my impulsive nature, decided to register as a PhD student. I, in my compulsive behaviour, decided I was ready.
There was no real reflection of my abilities, or my knowledge. Of my familiarity with research, or with the intricacies of academia. I was innocent (read: ignorant), naive, and I thought… PhD. How hard could it be?
I look now at my registration form and feel a physical sense of pain. It says there, in clear, block, BOLD, capital letters as if emphasising the magnitude of this mistake decision I have made.
FULL NAME: MAISARAH
LEVEL OF STUDY: PHD
DURATION OF STUDY: MINIMUM OF 5 SEMESTERS (lol)
If I could go back to September 2019 and slap myself into oblivion, I would do it. I would tell myself NOT to do it. “Don’t do it, Mai!” I would shout atop all rooftops, the tallest of them all. KLCC, Burj Khalifa, Merdeka Tower, I’d climb them all.
But alas…I had taken that step. I had registered. It was time to face this self-inflicted pain for the next five years.
Now something else to address – why is the word ‘part-time’ in “” brackets in the title?
I should note here that my registration is as a full-time PhD student—for several reasons, but these reasons aren’t as important as what being a full-time student means. Firstly, the typical duration of a full-time PhD program (as per my university’s guidelines) is eight (8) semesters – this was the goal that I was aiming for. I had a two-year old, and I thought, I want my PhD done before I give my child a sibling (lol). I thought, if doing it full-time would make me finish sooner, that’s what I would do. Secondly, as a full-time student, I would need to defend my research proposal within 12 months, as opposed to the 18 months given for part-time students.
Apart from these two things, the difference between a full-time and part-time PhD is quite negligible. Both are subjected to a minimum of five and a maximum of 14 semesters. Both require the same prerequisite courses to defend the proposal. Both cost the same per semester. I guess, if we were to pick apart the threads, full-time students are mostly doing PhD full-time. Whereas I was still working full-time.
I joke often back then, “I’m working full-time and PhD-ing full-time”.
Thinking back, I think only a very, very small, very privileged number of students get to enjoy the full meaning of full-time PhDs in the literal sense.
Most of us, like me, have jobs – whether full-time, part-time, all the time, whatever. They have families to take care of. They have other commitments, that make the PhD something that they work on for part of their time, not full time, all the time.
That is to say, if you are reading this as someone who is thinking of pursuing a PhD, then:
- If you could take study leave for the majority of the duration, do it.
- If you could do it while still being single and kid-free, do it.
- If you could do it and not worry about income because you’re under a scholarship, do it.
Ideally, that would have been what I would have wanted to pursue. I regret not doing that. I regret not waiting for when I could finally qualify to obtain study leave and apply for scholarship.
But don’t worry. I’m not here to lament. If anything, I’m writing this so I don’t forget, all the lemons of life that I had to squeeze and make lemonade of throughout this journey. It was a beautiful, bitter journey, that lasted way longer than I thought it would. This is a story full of life lessons, and most importantly, of owning up to my own mistakes and sharing the lessons I’ve learned.
I know the grass always looks greener from the other side, so I’m here to tell my story – so that if you end up making the same decision that I did and pursue sooner than later, you’d (hopefully) be better prepared. Or, if you’ve already made the same decision and are in the throes of it, you can take this as comfort reading (read: schadenfreude). Or, if you’ve gone through this journey and have completed it, then you can also reminisce.
Having gone through most of this journey, the grass is still green, and thinking back, I wouldn’t change much of anything thanks to what I had learned. But if you’re still thinking about it, think wisely. The timing of your PhD matters more than you know.
Tune in for Part 2 – when I received a major correction for my proposal defense (lol).