On 5th August, 2020, six weeks after failing my PhD proposal defense and two weeks before re-defending it, I reached out to NaviGO NLP Centre to ask if they had an NLP Coach program coming up.
I was first introduced to NaviGO, under Carsten and Anna, in 2015 when I obtained my Licensed Practitioner in Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP). The following year, in 2016, I went on to do the Licensed Master Practitioner in NLP, and had always wanted to go to the third level to become an NLP Coach. Thankfully, they had an NLP Coach program scheduled, with a special offer on the fees to boot.
I instantly applied to attend the session. The pandemic, hubs losing his job, and the way PhD was going made me desperate for some NLP intervention. I knew I needed help.
Unfortunately, as COVID cases began to rise, they had to postpone the training. Then, on 13th January, 2021, the government announced MCO 2.0, which lasted until February—that meant postponing the training even further. I was still collecting data at the time, interviewing employers and my university alumni for the first phase of data collection. Classes were conducted fully online, and daycares were closed. For two months, we were cooped up, but at least we had managed to move houses in August and were living in a bigger space…so there was a blessing in that.
It was still a lot to manage, however. What with collecting data, conducting classes (I was teaching 16 to 18 hours per week), having Fahim at home, and working on my PhD. It was a lot.
And can I just say, interviews are a grueling data collection method.
For my study, each interview would last around 1.5 to 2 hours long, online. Transcribing would take even longer, with each interview ending up with around ~20 pages of transcription. I’d analyze each interview so I would know what to focus on next, or what other areas I needed to explore, after I was done transcribing. Because of how broad my area of study was, I ended up interviewing 12 employers and 9 alumni for the first phase of my data collection. It took that number for me to hit data saturation based on my data analysis.
21 interviewees, each around 1.5 to 2 hours, with around 20+ pages of transcription each, plus analysis.
Don’t ask me how I was able to do it, because I have no idea.
I eventually attended the NLP Coach program on the 21st to 25th April, 2021.
Carsten has this tradition that he does, where at the start of every morning, he would play the song “Life Is Beautiful” by Tim McMorris. It’s an anchoring method, for us to know that training was about to begin and to put us in a ready, yet happy, mood. I encourage you to listen to the song. Just having it in my head puts me in a good mood, even now, and I have Carsten to thank for the anchor.
If I were to define neuro-linguistic programming, or NLP, I would use Carsten’s words and define it as a technology. It’s a science of how to use language and “linguistics” to “program” the mind, or “neuro”. As someone with a background of both communication AND counselling, I was at home with NLP. It was the one puzzle piece that made everything click for me.
For the Licensed Practitioner program, you learn the techniques of using NLP to motivate yourself, break habits, overcome phobias, set goals, change strategies… I could go on and on about this. In the Licensed Master Practitioner, you learn the science behind the methods, and why and how it works the way it does. You also learn to combine methods.
In the NLP Coach, you learn how to help others with your techniques.
I was no stranger to coaching. It’s a bit different from counselling, but I also had the benefit of working with a coach when I was at PETRONAS. So when I attended the training, I was already quite comfortable with the coaching model and what we were learning. But I also was there for something else.
I was there because I personally needed coaching.
Carsten has this practice, where he would ask the class for a volunteer to demonstrate a technique. We were learning about emotions that day and for some reason, that session really hit me, and I knew I wanted to volunteer. I needed to get the burden off my chest. Carsten was walking around the room, asking us to raise our hands if there was an issue we wanted to work on, and on a scale of 1 to 10, how bad the issue was affecting us. I was one of several who raised their hands. Everyone said their issues were at an “8”, or “7”. When Carsten got to me, I said my issue was at a “10”. He actually had the audacity (lol) to look a bit skeptical, but something in my face must have convinced him. He told me to sit in The Chair, which is the stool in front, facing the class.
I couldn’t be any more eager. I knew I needed help, even if it meant exposing my skeletons in front of everyone. I had that much trust that if there was anyone who would be able to help me, it would be Carsten.
I took my seat in front of the class, and Carsten and Anna sat adjacent to me. It was actually Anna who started, by asking me what my problem was. I launched into my story, describing my situation. What surprised me the most was how much I latched the problem to motherhood, and Fahim. I said I felt guilty because PhD was taking so much of my time away from Fahim. I also said I felt sad because, at three years old, Fahim was starting to have conversations with us and he was starting to understand that I was always busy. I said I knew he likely wouldn’t even remember all this, but that it still affected me. I wanted to spend time with him, and PhD was taking me away from all that.
Anna asked several follow-up questions, exploring my problem. And then Carsten intervened, with even more probing questions.
Then, as a masterful coach, he said, “Either Fahim is so young that he won’t remember any of this, or he’s so mature that understands what’s going on. Which one is it?”
I stopped short. It was both, my mind wanted to say. But of course, in NLP Coach, you’re talking to all “parts” of a person’s mind, and the question was rhetorical, meant to make me stop to think than be clouded by emotion.
The other participants were leaning forwards, observing Carsten and me. Some were even taking notes. A detached side of me was also noticing what Carsten was doing, the language he was using, his strategy to get behind my problem.
Of course, because I had mentioned that I felt guilty, Carsten then zeroed in on that. In NLP, guilt is unhelpful. Guilt keeps us in a negative loop and keeps us in the past. Guilt is also often tied to a person’s expectations and identity. He asked me what my ideal was, as a mother, and for some reason… I felt anger. Irrational, deep-rooted, explosive anger. We explored why I had such expectations of myself, and where they came from. And finally, having gotten to the root of the problem, Carsten told me to close my eyes to work an NLP technique on me.
The technique is related to emotion release. Through breaking anchors and recognizing where my emotions were, a combination of several NLP techniques, Carsten helped me to release the pent-up anger. It took a few minutes.
Then he said I could open my eyes.
I did, and burst into tears.
Right there in front of everyone, I cried my sad heart out and Carsten gracefully let me do so. “It’s alright,” he said, passing me a tissue. Tears were never foreign in an NLP training session.
“You’ve personified your PhD, I wonder if you realised that,” Carsten said, once I had calmed down. “You made PhD into a person in your head. It’s not a person. It’s just something you’re doing, and soon you’ll be done with it.”
One of the participants raised their hands. Why, they asked, did removing anger lead me to experience such degree of sadness?
Carsten explained that sadness and anger are related. It’s only in releasing the anger that we can expose the sadness beneath. He allowed me to leave The Chair, and said I could work with one of the other participants to release the sadness next, as we practiced the techniques he had just demonstrated.
There were so many things that NLP Coach helped me with, but most was to help me let go of the guilt, anger and sadness. Realizing that I had personified PhD in my head was also a big thing for me. At that point in time, it was so easy for me to blame everything on the PhD, as if it was a living, breathing thing that was causing me pain. In truth, it’s not like that at all. I chose to do the PhD. I knew having it would unlock my future in academia. Quitting was never an option. I just needed to learn how to manage my mindset better.
NLP Coaching made me realise that I was not wearing different hats. There’s no such thing as Mai the Mom, Mai the Lecturer, Mai the PhD Student, and so on. There’s just me, and a finite amount of time and resources, and learning how to manage different things. It sounds like common sense (and coaching often is), but it helped me see past my bubble of stress into the bigger picture of life.
In coaching, we are taught to bring the client (or ourselves) back to Cause, to Control, and not to wallow in the effects of something. I knew that if I wanted to get this PhD done, something needed to change. I couldn’t sustainably proceed with how I was going.
I need to take a moment here to explain why exactly I was so eager to finish the PhD in three years. The first reason, and most important, was because of Fahim’s age. He was three, and I knew I wanted PhD to be done before he developed memories of how hard I was working, and especially before he had to really start learning and preparing for primary school. Because let me tell you. As someone working full-time and doing PhD, it is a lot of work, all the time. At nights. Early mornings. During weekends. For three, four years. It’s a lot.
Another important reason was because I was under a full scholarship. Yayasan Tunku Abdul Rahman had sponsored my studies at both Bachelor’s degree and Master’s level, and they also sponsored my studies for PhD. So I had a vested interest to complete my studies on time. Not because there was any clause in the contract that would penalize me or anything. I just had that innate sense of responsibility to see this through.
After the NLP Coaching program, I called up my university’s postgraduate office and registrar’s office, asking whether it would be possible for me to apply for a one-year study leave. I informed them that I did not meet the minimum requirements to apply, as I had only served the university for two years and the requirement was to serve for a minimum of three years. But I also said that I was open to take unpaid leave, because I was under a full scholarship. They said it would be up to my faculty to decide.
So, on June 9th, 2021, I applied to take a one-year study leave. I sent two applications. I said I wanted to take one year, either paid or unpaid, because I was under a full scholarship. Even though hubs was working odd jobs, we had done the math and one year unpaid, while painful, would still be doable, financially.
A month later, I received the answer through email from my faculty.
Let me translate that for you:
“Decision on Application for Fully Paid Study Leave Without Scholarship“
“We are pleased to inform that the meeting [censored] on 11 June 2021 has decided to not support your application.”
NOT support.
Sukacita. We are “pleased“. To not support.
I read the letter, and then reread it. I messaged my PhD supervisor. I asked, why did the meeting say I wanted a fully paid study leave without a scholarship? I asked for unpaid leave because I WAS UNDER a full scholarship.
He said maybe I should go and clarify. So I did. I remember going in person to the office and clarifying that I was under a full scholarship and that my application was for unpaid leave. I remember the day vividly. The person in charge went back to the office, then came out with another letter. The same letter, with the same “sukacita dimaklumkan“. They just changed the title of the letter to state that my application was for unpaid leave with full scholarship.
I still have those two letters. It’s something I’d probably keep for the rest of my life, as a testament to…yeah.
When I got that letter, I updated my social media status with this picture:
As a chess player, I had always preferred to play black. To you non-chess players out there, this is a stalemate. The white King is cornered and cannot move, but he is not directly under attack from another piece. It’s an impasse. He hasn’t lost. This isn’t a checkmate. But he is trapped.
That was how I felt.
Let me tell you what happens, when someone is given a letter (it’s actually two, but whatever) that is so…blunt. So impartial. So impersonal. So insensitive.
The person would lose all sense of loyalty to the organization that gave that letter. Almost four years later, as I’m typing this post, I still carry this bitterness with me. I can never say that I’ll be a loyal faculty member, even though I still work there to this day. I was never given a chance to explain or clarify why I needed the study leave. It was clear from the letter that my application probably was never really properly looked into or given due consideration, despite my being funded under a full scholarship. Like damn, they could have just started the letter with “Dimaklumkan” (We would like to inform you) and remove the “sukacita” altogether – which occurs in both letters, mind you.
But well. Carsten had trained me better than that.
I was, and am, an NLP Coach, and I had to bring myself back to Cause. The reason my application was rejected, the letter stated, was because I had not fulfilled the minimum requirement of three years of service. That was the decision, and they were justified. If anything, I don’t blame them for the decision. Just how they went about doing it. But I know they are not at fault. I tried my luck, but my luck had ran out.
But I also knew I was done. I knew I could not count on my faculty to help me out. I was to take myself back to Cause, to Control.
I was the one who decided to do the PhD.
I was the one who decided to do it “part-time”.
I was the one who wanted it.
Whatever the cost, I was ready to pay it. I was already almost two years into the journey.
Aaaaand then I got into an accident and fractured my spine.
The story just keeps getting better, huh?